This assumes the friendships were established and maintained in an environment that could potentially be friendly to kids.
If your friend group is based around hanging out at barbecues at each other's home, or more child-friendly environments, it will be much easier and likely to maintain those friendships
VS. friendships built on generally less child-friendly activities, like long-distance cycling, weekend trips to other states/countries, bar-hopping, etc...
Friendships are often built within shared social settings. Changing up the terms minimizes the very shared experience your friendship was built on
I really resonate with this. Since having a child, most of my time revolves around them. There’s no time for myself, no time for friends. The friends I used to be close with have slowly drifted away. I’ve been living like this for three years now, and while watching my child grow up fills me with happiness, there are moments when I feel lost. It’s like I’ve lost a bit of myself along the way. I wonder if anyone else has felt this way, and how they’ve managed to find balance between being a parent and staying connected to who they were before.
I can't remember who I was before becoming a parent and that has never really mattered to me. I know I spent (wasted) a lot of time gaming, nothing worth crying over, for me.
Kids have to eat your life, otherwise you may not be parenting quite as much as you should be (this means a LOT of different things to everyone).
My brother and sister in law had kids about the same time as us, so we grew together as parents as the kids grew up together.
Friends come and go and the good ones come back again. Most of my friends have kids 5-10 years younger than mine and that means we're at different life stages - I can offer them advice as to what to expect and also sort of enjoy (and lament at the same time) that I'm passed the stage they're going through.
I actually took up a sport again when my first was a couple of years old because I wanted to normalise the playing of sport. This, I think, kept me with an outlet and some socialising outside of work and family. The more strings to your bow the better (I've recently been thinking about a concept I've made up called "distributed happiness", this feels like an element of that; as long as one of those things is doing ok, then your can hang your hat somewhere at least).
One more thing I just remembered: your childhood was for you parents, your childrens' childhoods are for you. Take their wonder and naiveté as your own and see the world as they do, but with the life experience and consciousness to know how important and mind blowingly amazing it all is.
I really miss my children's childhood. My aches and pains tell me I'm too old to go through it again, but I still wonder...
> "You both need to [do] the laundry, go to the bank, go to Target," she says. To make it fun, "you can stop and get a sweet treat or listen to Top 40 radio."
What on earth?
Every single expert referenced in this piece is insane.
Recently had my first son and it’s a lot of this, but mainly time becomes more scarce. I’ve got a number of hobbies but much less time to do them and less inclined to allocate to do nothing-activities, so getting a drink at a bar (which I don’t drink really) isn’t likely going to fit in nicely.
Now if you’re into playing musical instruments, hacking together a little project, or want to workout together or perhaps play a board game that’ll be much more plausible!
This was all true before parenthood, but much more enforced now. I think this is why parents often remain or develop friendships with friends and who end up having kids in the same activities.
If the friend is willing to also graft on to the schedule of the baby like the parents are forced to for survival, then the friendship has a better chance of survival.
Non-parents usually have no clue how big a change this time management issue is.
The schedule of a baby is short lived though and much more easily managed than the ongoing commitment of having children around. While it’s an intense part of early parenting, the following decades of having kids with one or both parents at all times is often the bigger adjustment.
Non-parents have no clue. Example: a young friend said Let's go to the fair! OK, it'll take some assistance to watch the stroller while changing the baby, some time in the shade to feed her. Get the baby there, in the stroller. Five minutes later, the friend sees other friends, not encumbered, and See you! and she's off. Leaving me to pack up the baby and go back home.
It really depends on the parents. Neither of us is an outgoing person so we rarely meet with friends nowadays, considering only one had a similar age boy as we do.
Best way to keep close - have kids at around the same time. You all benefit by being able to support each other and will have many opportunities to get together.
Otherwise you’re just in different worlds with different priorities. Unless you have an affinity, like you golf together every few weeks for example, it becomes difficult.
This assumes the friendships were established and maintained in an environment that could potentially be friendly to kids. If your friend group is based around hanging out at barbecues at each other's home, or more child-friendly environments, it will be much easier and likely to maintain those friendships VS. friendships built on generally less child-friendly activities, like long-distance cycling, weekend trips to other states/countries, bar-hopping, etc... Friendships are often built within shared social settings. Changing up the terms minimizes the very shared experience your friendship was built on
I really resonate with this. Since having a child, most of my time revolves around them. There’s no time for myself, no time for friends. The friends I used to be close with have slowly drifted away. I’ve been living like this for three years now, and while watching my child grow up fills me with happiness, there are moments when I feel lost. It’s like I’ve lost a bit of myself along the way. I wonder if anyone else has felt this way, and how they’ve managed to find balance between being a parent and staying connected to who they were before.
Disclaimer: my kids are mid-late teens.
I can't remember who I was before becoming a parent and that has never really mattered to me. I know I spent (wasted) a lot of time gaming, nothing worth crying over, for me.
Kids have to eat your life, otherwise you may not be parenting quite as much as you should be (this means a LOT of different things to everyone).
My brother and sister in law had kids about the same time as us, so we grew together as parents as the kids grew up together.
Friends come and go and the good ones come back again. Most of my friends have kids 5-10 years younger than mine and that means we're at different life stages - I can offer them advice as to what to expect and also sort of enjoy (and lament at the same time) that I'm passed the stage they're going through.
I actually took up a sport again when my first was a couple of years old because I wanted to normalise the playing of sport. This, I think, kept me with an outlet and some socialising outside of work and family. The more strings to your bow the better (I've recently been thinking about a concept I've made up called "distributed happiness", this feels like an element of that; as long as one of those things is doing ok, then your can hang your hat somewhere at least).
One more thing I just remembered: your childhood was for you parents, your childrens' childhoods are for you. Take their wonder and naiveté as your own and see the world as they do, but with the life experience and consciousness to know how important and mind blowingly amazing it all is.
I really miss my children's childhood. My aches and pains tell me I'm too old to go through it again, but I still wonder...
I don’t have specific reccomendations, but that’s a very common idea FWIW.
You will have about 4 or 5 years until they grow independent and have their own friends.
> "You both need to [do] the laundry, go to the bank, go to Target," she says. To make it fun, "you can stop and get a sweet treat or listen to Top 40 radio."
What on earth?
Every single expert referenced in this piece is insane.
Recently had my first son and it’s a lot of this, but mainly time becomes more scarce. I’ve got a number of hobbies but much less time to do them and less inclined to allocate to do nothing-activities, so getting a drink at a bar (which I don’t drink really) isn’t likely going to fit in nicely.
Now if you’re into playing musical instruments, hacking together a little project, or want to workout together or perhaps play a board game that’ll be much more plausible!
This was all true before parenthood, but much more enforced now. I think this is why parents often remain or develop friendships with friends and who end up having kids in the same activities.
Time management becomes primary.
If the friend is willing to also graft on to the schedule of the baby like the parents are forced to for survival, then the friendship has a better chance of survival.
Non-parents usually have no clue how big a change this time management issue is.
The schedule of a baby is short lived though and much more easily managed than the ongoing commitment of having children around. While it’s an intense part of early parenting, the following decades of having kids with one or both parents at all times is often the bigger adjustment.
Non-parents have no clue. Example: a young friend said Let's go to the fair! OK, it'll take some assistance to watch the stroller while changing the baby, some time in the shade to feed her. Get the baby there, in the stroller. Five minutes later, the friend sees other friends, not encumbered, and See you! and she's off. Leaving me to pack up the baby and go back home.
I'm sorry to hear that but they don't sound like much of a friend.
It really depends on the parents. Neither of us is an outgoing person so we rarely meet with friends nowadays, considering only one had a similar age boy as we do.
Best way to keep close - have kids at around the same time. You all benefit by being able to support each other and will have many opportunities to get together.
Otherwise you’re just in different worlds with different priorities. Unless you have an affinity, like you golf together every few weeks for example, it becomes difficult.
> Hey, these next six months are wild. Can we circle back in the middle of next year and try and get something going?
This example message is like something I'd send a recruiter, not a friend. Circle back? Six months?
WHO SAYS "CIRCLE BACK" TO A FRIEND? THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? Are we all HR now??
Imagine you text a friend "I had to put down my dog today" and they responded "let's circle back in the middle of next year"
That would definitely end our friendship, but not for the reasons NPR thinks.